What The Heart Wants - Part III

"Solitude"

My beautiful friend Meredith Evert in Malibu, California

Used With Permission

(This is the third of a three-part post written from the perspective of a 40+ year old woman who desires to be married, and for whom contentment in singleness is difficult. This post represents only one of many valid viewpoints on this topic.)

"The unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious 

about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit.

But the married woman is anxious

about worldly things, how to please her husband."

I Corinthians 7:34 (ESV)

When the heart of a woman longs to be married, the waiting moves from uncomfortable, to difficult, to excruciating from her point of view, as Part I of this series describes. Then there's the point of view, in Part II, of those who are trying to fix us so that our debilitating disease of singleness might be cured. But here's the thing - there's NOTHING wrong! 

The truth is:

• Marriageability is determined solely by whether or not you want to be married - that's it! Think about the strangest couples you've ever met and how they don't seem to "match" with all of their oddities and eccentricities. If they can get married, so can you. You are just as marriageable as anyone else on this planet!

• The fact that you aren't married means you are unwilling to settle for less than God's best. Think about couples you know whose relationships are dysfunctional; they are proof that if being married is all that matters, you can have that tomorrow. You don't simply want to be married, you want a marriage; there's a difference and you know it. You're holding out for the best, the right one. 

• Marriage may not be part of God's plan for your life. Before you smash whatever device you're currently using and vow never to read another word I write, know that a few years ago I would have hated the guts of anyone who dared to say such a thing to me. But killing the messenger doesn't negate the message. 

 Our Deepest Needs Are Met In Jesus

No marriage (regardless of how unbelievably awesome your man might be) fills the longings of the soul. I know - that's easy for me to say because I have a husband. You're right. It is easier to say now, but I can tell you that I fully understood that before my wedding. (How's that for a hook? Now maybe you'll read the book I'm writing to hear my story!)

We women long for a flesh-and-blood man who will protect and defend and provide for us. One who will be a fierce warrior, yet sensitive too. One who will send us flowers, sweep us off our feet, make us laugh, hold us when we cry, open doors, pull out chairs, and help with the housework. One who will parent our kids perfectly, work hard and play harder. One who will never hurt us, never betray us, never abuse us and never leave us.  One who will snuggle with us and also sacrifice for us. One who will put us first, treasure us, cherish us, and love us wholly and purely. 

But it's too much. This burden that we long to place on one man is too much for him to carry. He will crumble under its weight, then be crushed again and again by our unrealistic expectations and subsequent disappointments. And he will wither and die analyzing his own shortcomings, mistakes and inability to complete us.

Don't you see? 

What we want is not humanly possible. 

Our burning desires can only be satisfied in the divine.

What we want is Jesus!

"Love is the antidote to loneliness."

Rick Warren

Yeah, yeah! We know that Jesus is the fulfillment of our deepest desires, but how do you convince a heart so sick with hope deferred that this is true?  A precious friend who is single and approaching the age of 50 recently shared with me the many unfulfilled longings and passions that she has grieved the loss of while living a life she never thought would be hers. All too often married women (or content single women) have been quick to offer her thoughtless tongue-in-cheek statements such as "Jesus is your husband!" Meanwhile years of frustration and disappointment gushed from her longing heart as my friend pointed out, "I cannot make love to Jesus!"

So what are we to do? How do we combat the life-sucking loneliness? How do we make peace with the married world around us, with ourselves, and with God if, after shoving thousands of prayers and petitions through heaven's door, our truth is that singleness is part of God's plan for our lives? The answer - LOVE!

Love Jesus.

When the heart aches and the loneliness overwhelms, lean into your Savior. Press hard. Claw and crawl your way to Him, refusing to let any lie of the enemy distract you from the one, true lover of your soul. Pour out your anger, frustration and tears at the foot of the cross, the place where the ultimate sacrifice for you has already been made and where your sacred romance with your Creator, the God of the universe, begins. It is there and only there that we find healing and wholeness.

Love others.

It's difficult to wallow in self-pity while ministering to the needs of others. We live in a world full of hurting people. Pour out all the love you've been saving up. Invest in others. Dive deeply into their pain. Everyone longs for something; our proverbial thorns may be different, but the remedy is the same.

"Above all, love each other deeply, because love

covers over a multitude of sins."

I Peter 4:8 (NIV)

It's in the pouring out of ourselves in love that we are filled to overflowing. 

And to all those who know and love single women...

What single women need:

1. LOTS of hugs, kisses, pats on the back, handshakes, and other appropriate touch. Single women often go weeks/months without any real, intentional physical contact. We needed meaningful touch as babies to survive and develop/maintain emotional well-being; that need does not lessen as we grow older.
2. Regular invitations from married friends (with or without kids) to hang out, eat dinner, watch a movie or go on a vacation. Sometimes the company of more singles is not what is needed. They want to observe what marriage looks like and see how difficult raising kids can be. Sometimes single women want to be part of a family.
3. Not to be abused or taken advantage of just because they are single. The quickest way to alienate or burn out a single woman is to assume she has nothing better to do and is available 24/7 because she has no husband or children at home to take care of.
4. To be valued for their wisdom and insight. Life experience has taught the single woman many lessons; lessons others can learn from. Seek to be mentored by older single women. Take younger single women under your wing. They can teach us a lot.
5. To be a woman. A whole, complete woman. Lacking nothing. And to not be treated as though she is anything less because she has never been married, never been pregnant, and never birthed a baby.   

What The Heart Wants - Part II

"Solitude"
My beautiful friend Meredith Evert in Malibu, California
Used With Permission

(This is the second of a three-part post written from the perspective of a 40+ year old woman who desires to be married, and for whom contentment in singleness is difficult. This post represents only one of many valid viewpoints on this topic. Click here to read Part I.)

"'Have you not read that he who created them 

from the beginning made them male and female, and said,

'Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother

and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh'?'"

Matthew 19:4-5 (ESV)

Being single when your heart wants to be married is difficult at best, devastating at worst. Each decade of singleness has its own distinct characteristics (Part I). Each decade also garners different reactions from family, friends, church family, co-workers, and even strangers. 

In your 20's people are likely to say:

• Do you have a boyfriend? 
• I know some great guys and would love to set you up.
• You're young and have your whole life ahead of you. Go have fun and when you're not even thinking about it Mr. Right will come along.
• Girl, you're too young to be tied down with children! There is plenty of time for that in your 30's.

Typical comments to a 30-something single:

• Are you dating anybody right now?
• Most women wait until their 30's to have kids these days anyway!
• Where are you going and what are you doing to meet the right kind of guys? Are you in a singles Sunday School class? 
• Have you thought about e-Harmony or Match.com? My cousin's best friend's sister met an awesome man online and they got married in less than six months.
• I bet your parents are thinking they will never have any grandchildren!

Words uttered to an unmarried woman in her 40's:

• I'm so sorry.
• The Bible says singleness is a gift. You should be honored God has chosen you for this gift!
• Statistically speaking, you have a greater chance of being hit by lightning and/or winning the lottery than you do of ever getting married.
• No words. Just a pity-filled stare.

However unintentional it may be, the message is pretty clear: you are less of a woman without a man. Your worth is diminished if you never marry or have children. You are to be pitied, especially if you are over 40, because your life will never really have meaning without the experience of marriage and family. 

Adding insult to injury, single women of all ages are apt to hear:

• Pray and ask God to reveal what is wrong with you. When you fix those issues God will bring you a husband.    
  Really? Are you kidding? Most of the married people we know (including the ones making that statement) are screwed up way worse than us, but we've gotta fix ourselves so men will want us?

• You have a strong personality and you're too independent. That's intimidating to men. If you could tone yourself down some, guys would flock to you.
  So we're supposed to alter our God-given personalities in order to attract men? When did confidence and healthy self-esteem stop being sexy? What about all of the strong, independent women we know who are married?

• A husband doesn't complete you; only God can do that. If you're empty now, you'll still be empty in marriage.
  Deep in our hearts we know you are right, but we don't want to hear that. Would you be able to say that as confidently if you weren't married?

• When you give up and quit looking, that's when the man of your dreams will find you.
  Do you have any idea how many times we have quit? How often we've begged and pleaded with God to please take the desire for marriage away if He never intends to fulfill it? How we've given up only to have the desire hit us again out of nowhere, leaving us feeling crushed and defeated all over again?

Then there's the taboo topic discussed only in whispers - SEX:

If you're in your 20's, your youthful hormones are raging, understandably, but you have the opportunity to die to self and honor God by practicing self-control. If you're in your 30's, your married friends discuss their sex lives openly. Assuming your self-control is still strong, you listen and learn and, of course, blush at the appropriate times. If you are currently making ungodly choices (and your friends know it) you still do not participate in the conversation. Outwardly everyone pretends you're handling abstinence well, while inwardly they judge you a little for your lack of purity. But they don't envy you and have no idea how they would handle themselves if they were in your shoes. If you're in your 40's, it's assumed that you don't really need or want physical intimacy. Besides, by this point many married women you know are busy figuring out how not to have sex and assume you understand that it's a necessary evil that you've been spared (a sad, but pervasive view of sex embraced by many older married women in the church who are passing this unhealthy, ungodly perspective on to single and young married women alike).

The Bottom Line

I'm certain that married people don't intend to make singleness more difficult. They're mostly unaware that they communicate to single women that we possess a tragic flaw rendering us essentially unattractive and unlovable. But we don't and we're not. 

From the woman's perspective of singleness last week, to the common platitudes we often hear from those wanting to help us this week, I hope you'll hang around for one more week as I wrap up what began as two-parts, but has grown into a three-part post ending in the most amazing love affair imaginable! 

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick,

but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life."

Proverbs 13:12 (ESV)

Beautifully Imperfect, Amazingly Challenging

"Marriage was never meant to make me happy all the time.

Marriage is a decision to honor God by honoring the one He entrusted to me."

Lysa Terkeurst

My husband and I recently celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary.  On one hand we stare in disbelief, wondering where the time has gone.  On the other hand we have felt the weight of family issues, major life changes, and adopting a child - all things that can make a short amount of time feel a lot longer.  Regardless of how quickly or slowly the years have passed or what has transpired while the clock has been ticking, we have a beautiful and amazing marriage.  

I did not say it is perfect.

I did not say it is easy.   

I can no longer remember what it was about, but several months after Toby was born an argument erupted between Collins and me. Later, after the guns had cooled, we realized that the explosion happened because it had been weeks since we had really talked to each other. And it scared us. In that moment we made a decision - outside of our individual relationships with God, our marriage would be our highest priority. 

"The husband and the wife should be like the hand and the eye. When

the hand hurts, the eyes should be crying, and when the

eyes cry, the hand should wipe away the tears."

John Chrysostom

After praying, reading scripture and receiving some quality counsel from some incredible people, we felt like God was speaking into some key areas of our matrimonial journey.  Yes, there are days when we are tired, ill-tempered, busy or just plain don't want to give our relationship the attention it needs. Most days, though, we get over ourselves and do the work, because we've had a glimpse of what can happen if we don't.

Though we fall woefully short in all of these areas at times, we try daily to honor God and each other in these ways: 

• Talking and Listening - We make it a priority to talk and listen to each other every single day.  Some days we may only get 10-15 minutes, taking the time to fill each other in on our respective days and get on the same page about a discipline issue with our son. Other days we have the luxury of a lengthy discussion when we share our struggles, dreams, hopes and fears, and work through current conflict or problems we are facing.  

• Humor - It's not always easy to find humor in life's day-to-day grind, but it is necessary.  If we don't laugh frequently, tension grows until minor incidents become major blow-ups; we don't have the time or desire to clean up messes that never had to be to begin with. 

• Address Conflict Immediately - Sweeping it under the rug and pretending it didn't happen is the worst possible way to deal with conflict, as is expecting the other to instinctively know he/she has caused conflict without being told.  We may take several days or even weeks to come to full resolution of our conflicts, but it only takes us a few minutes or hours to express to the other that a problem exists.  When issues arise, getting them out in the open is more than half the battle.  

• Physical Affection - We hold hands. We kiss. We hug. And we make sure to do all three in front of our little guy to model for him what normal, healthy affection looks like. We've also learned that daily doses of non-sexual affection make intimate connection easier and more meaningful.   

• Children Come Second - We love our little man more than anything in the world, but not more than we love each other.  He is the most important person in our lives - outside of each other. If we rearrange God's established order and elevate him to a place he was never intended to be, we are handicapping him as a man and as a future husband and father. We are loving him best when we love God first, then each other.  

Five years in and we are still head-over-heels in love. We firmly believe that is because we are grounded in the hard, sometimes tedious work of investing in each other.  It's the blood, sweat and tears we put into walking through life together that produce our joy. 

"Follow God's example, therefore, as dearly loved children 

and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us

and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God."

Ephesians 5:1

The passage of scripture we chose for our wedding, Ephesians 5, calls us to submission and sacrifice, love and respect, and ultimately to holiness. We have come to understand that the pursuit of holiness, following God's example as it was lived out in the person of Jesus, is what transforms our imperfect and challenging relationship into a marriage that is both beautiful and amazing.

Love Notes & Apologies

I am sentimental.

When I resigned my teaching job seven years ago, I faced the arduous task of cleaning out 18 years of a career that had accumulated in my classroom. Boxes, file folders, cabinets - all filled with mementos of a dream that became a reality. If a student gave it to me, I kept it. Photographs, letters, notes, and the occasional essay or quiz - each one of them meaningful to me in some way.  Given that we live a tiny house, bringing it all home wasn't an option, so week after week my 'keep' pile went through yet another purging. Eventually I whittled it all down to a medium sized cardboard box that, in my best estimation, represents the highlights of a long and memorable chapter of my life. 

Once upon a time, during my single years, my tiny house provided ample space to hoard a lifetime of cards, notes, and letters from family and friends, but as more people moved in - first Collins, then Toby -  the more keepsakes had to move out.  You might as well pluck my fingernails off one by one as make me part with these treasures (I still cry every time I look at a piece of paper with my grandmother's handwriting on it).   

Nothing will ever take the place of a handwritten note or letter. 

Handwriting communicates to the recipient that the giver spent something way more precious than money; he spent time. Time to pick out a card or a pretty piece of stationery. Time to think of just the words to say to convey a heartfelt message. Time to put pen to paper using a totally unique font that cannot be found on any computer or smart phone.

Have you figured out where I'm going with this? Sure you have! I'm a pack-rat (errr, sentimental woman), in love with a handsome man who knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that my love language is best spoken in the tongue of his penmanship. But...in our life of tight budgets and even tighter living spaces, there isn't room for buying cards for every occasion (birthday, anniversary, Mother's Day, Valentine's Day, just because, etc.), much less a place for the boxes required to store them all (because I won't throw them away) until the day comes that my grandchildren are helping my son clean out my 'estate' while commenting, "Why in the world did MeeMaw keep all this junk? I guess digital files didn't exist way back in her time. Didn't she know piles of paper attract bugs and are kindling for a house fire?" 

In our quest to conserve money and space, yet still love each other with handwritten words, Collins and I decided a couple of years ago that we would start a new tradition. Each of us picked out and purchased a blank journal book for the other, wrote a love letter in it, then we exchanged them as gifts on Toby's first Christmas. The journals are kept in our respective night stand drawers. On his birthday, our anniversary, when I have a special quote to share, when I need to say I'm sorry, or just because I feel like it, I sneak Collins' journal out, spill the contents of my heart onto its pages, then lay it on his pillow, signaling to him that a new entry is waiting to be read. He follows the same ritual for me. When there are no more blank pages, it's time to purchase a new journal.

Originally the books were intended to replace cards and other keepsakes, but they quickly took on a life of their own. They have become the place where we pour out our souls to each other, not just for Valentine's Day or Christmas, but whenever our hearts are full and running over for each other.  And not always full in a happy, starry-eyed, head-over-heels in love kind of way, but also when they're full of brokenness and pain over the way we've wronged each other at times. 

For now our journals are intensely personal and private. But one day we plan to share them. Our prayer is that their contents will not be shocking because we will have lived our lives in such a way that Toby will have always seen us demonstrate for him how to love and forgive each other well.  We pray that what he sees both publicly and privately are parents who hug, kiss, hold hands, and giggle as well as shed tears, forgive grievances, and restore relationship on a daily basis - certainly not perfectly, and probably not as often as we should, yet consistently. When the time comes that he is ready to meet the woman God has prepared especially for him at the altar, we will offer him and his bride a peek at our love notes and apologies - a glimpse of what it looks like when two woefully sinful people, covered by God's unfailing grace and mercy, commit to marriage. Who knows? Maybe they will write their own books that they will someday pair with ours to share with my grandbabies, who will, in turn, do the same and create a legacy of love for generations to come. Who knows?

A New Verse

Happy New Year!

If you're like me, by the end of the year you're tired, worn out, and in need of some renewal and a fresh start.  All the holiday hoopla is over and you're facing a new year.  Will it really be any different from the previous 365 days?  Or will it be a 'same verse, different tune' kind of thing?  Maybe you make resolutions and keep them, then measure your success and celebrate.  Or perhaps your good intentions crash and burn before you've even finished the left over black-eyed peas and collard greens.

As for me - I don't just want 2016 to be different; I need it to be different.  More importantly, I sense God telling me it is His will for it to be different.  My husband feels the same way.  A year from now we don't want to take stock of our lives and find we are in pretty much the same place - stagnant and full of 'what-ifs,' regretting all that we did NOT do. Instead, we want to have stepped out in faith, into the abundant life that God has promised us. But where do we start?  How do we get there from here?

The Mini Marriage Retreat!

While it would be nice to participate in an organized, planned and targeted retreat, or even to drop our son off at a grandparent's house and run to the coast for a winter getaway by the ocean to plan our coming year, our budget doesn't allow for that at this time.  (We know friends who've enjoyed structured marriage conferences, and others who've conducted their own marriage retreats/planning getaways; we highly recommend either when they are realistic options.)  But time away from home wasn't possible for us, so we borrowed from our friends' plans, then added a dash of our own styles and personalities to create a meaningful time together that did not require leaving town, or our own living room for that matter.

Here's a peek into our personalized retreat in the week leading up to New Year's Eve:

• In our own time and our own way, we each took a few days to pray and think about our lives as individuals, as a couple, and as parents.  Separately we asked God to show us what He wanted us to take away from 2015, as well as what He wants us to take into 2016.  This time included some serious introspection and brutal honesty with God and ourselves - not necessarily fun, but always productive. 
• After several days of meeting with God individually it was time to put Toby to bed, then put pen to paper.  We turned off all electronics and prayed together.  Without discussing anything, we spent the next hour or so writing 3-5 specific goals in each of the following categories:  Personal, Work, Marriage, Family and Finance.  
• The next day Little Man got to spend an entire day playing with a friend while Collins and I enjoyed some time to ourselves.  We cooked brunch, drank coffee, talked, enjoyed uninterrupted, individual quiet times, prayed together, ran errands, and put the finishing touches on our goals from the previous night.  
• We picked up Toby, then had dinner and some family play time.  Once little man was fast asleep, we turned on the Christmas lights, diffused some relaxing essential oils, turned off all electronics and settled in for some quality time together. We devoted the remainder of the evening to sharing our goals in each category, discussing what we had each written and coming to an agreement on common goals for the Marriage, Family and Finance categories.  We also determined ways we could support and encourage each other in our respective Personal and Work goals.  Be assured that not all of our conversation was easy and free-flowing, as this kind of soul-searching opens the door for God to reveal some unpleasant things that must be addressed.  We incorporated a couple of breaks into the evening for times when things got heavy and even uncomfortable (stepping outside and taking a few deep breaths under a starry sky does wonders for your attitude and perspective!).

In a week's time we invested significantly in our personal walks with the Lord, in our marriage and in our family - a mini marriage retreat in the comfort of our own home.  (Let it be noted, however, that when we are able to have a true, out-of-town escape, you'll find me on the beach squishing some cold sand between my toes - it makes those difficult discussions a little less painful!)  

I'm positive that I speak for both Collins and myself when I say it was time well-spent and one of the best things we've ever done for our relationship.  I also feel safe in saying it was the inaugural year of a rich, new tradition!

Perhaps the crowning moment of our in-home marriage building was asking God to lead us to scripture that spoke to both of our hearts about where we currently are in our journey with Him.  We prayed for a passage to ponder and a verse we will memorize and meditate on daily in the new year.  He delivered...  

Let us not become weary in doing good, 

for at the proper time we will reap a harvest 

if we do not give up.

Galatians 6:9
(Galatians 6:1-10)