What The Heart Wants - Part II

"Solitude"
My beautiful friend Meredith Evert in Malibu, California
Used With Permission

(This is the second of a three-part post written from the perspective of a 40+ year old woman who desires to be married, and for whom contentment in singleness is difficult. This post represents only one of many valid viewpoints on this topic. Click here to read Part I.)

"'Have you not read that he who created them 

from the beginning made them male and female, and said,

'Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother

and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh'?'"

Matthew 19:4-5 (ESV)

Being single when your heart wants to be married is difficult at best, devastating at worst. Each decade of singleness has its own distinct characteristics (Part I). Each decade also garners different reactions from family, friends, church family, co-workers, and even strangers. 

In your 20's people are likely to say:

• Do you have a boyfriend? 
• I know some great guys and would love to set you up.
• You're young and have your whole life ahead of you. Go have fun and when you're not even thinking about it Mr. Right will come along.
• Girl, you're too young to be tied down with children! There is plenty of time for that in your 30's.

Typical comments to a 30-something single:

• Are you dating anybody right now?
• Most women wait until their 30's to have kids these days anyway!
• Where are you going and what are you doing to meet the right kind of guys? Are you in a singles Sunday School class? 
• Have you thought about e-Harmony or Match.com? My cousin's best friend's sister met an awesome man online and they got married in less than six months.
• I bet your parents are thinking they will never have any grandchildren!

Words uttered to an unmarried woman in her 40's:

• I'm so sorry.
• The Bible says singleness is a gift. You should be honored God has chosen you for this gift!
• Statistically speaking, you have a greater chance of being hit by lightning and/or winning the lottery than you do of ever getting married.
• No words. Just a pity-filled stare.

However unintentional it may be, the message is pretty clear: you are less of a woman without a man. Your worth is diminished if you never marry or have children. You are to be pitied, especially if you are over 40, because your life will never really have meaning without the experience of marriage and family. 

Adding insult to injury, single women of all ages are apt to hear:

• Pray and ask God to reveal what is wrong with you. When you fix those issues God will bring you a husband.    
  Really? Are you kidding? Most of the married people we know (including the ones making that statement) are screwed up way worse than us, but we've gotta fix ourselves so men will want us?

• You have a strong personality and you're too independent. That's intimidating to men. If you could tone yourself down some, guys would flock to you.
  So we're supposed to alter our God-given personalities in order to attract men? When did confidence and healthy self-esteem stop being sexy? What about all of the strong, independent women we know who are married?

• A husband doesn't complete you; only God can do that. If you're empty now, you'll still be empty in marriage.
  Deep in our hearts we know you are right, but we don't want to hear that. Would you be able to say that as confidently if you weren't married?

• When you give up and quit looking, that's when the man of your dreams will find you.
  Do you have any idea how many times we have quit? How often we've begged and pleaded with God to please take the desire for marriage away if He never intends to fulfill it? How we've given up only to have the desire hit us again out of nowhere, leaving us feeling crushed and defeated all over again?

Then there's the taboo topic discussed only in whispers - SEX:

If you're in your 20's, your youthful hormones are raging, understandably, but you have the opportunity to die to self and honor God by practicing self-control. If you're in your 30's, your married friends discuss their sex lives openly. Assuming your self-control is still strong, you listen and learn and, of course, blush at the appropriate times. If you are currently making ungodly choices (and your friends know it) you still do not participate in the conversation. Outwardly everyone pretends you're handling abstinence well, while inwardly they judge you a little for your lack of purity. But they don't envy you and have no idea how they would handle themselves if they were in your shoes. If you're in your 40's, it's assumed that you don't really need or want physical intimacy. Besides, by this point many married women you know are busy figuring out how not to have sex and assume you understand that it's a necessary evil that you've been spared (a sad, but pervasive view of sex embraced by many older married women in the church who are passing this unhealthy, ungodly perspective on to single and young married women alike).

The Bottom Line

I'm certain that married people don't intend to make singleness more difficult. They're mostly unaware that they communicate to single women that we possess a tragic flaw rendering us essentially unattractive and unlovable. But we don't and we're not. 

From the woman's perspective of singleness last week, to the common platitudes we often hear from those wanting to help us this week, I hope you'll hang around for one more week as I wrap up what began as two-parts, but has grown into a three-part post ending in the most amazing love affair imaginable! 

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick,

but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life."

Proverbs 13:12 (ESV)

First Fruits: Meeting God Early

I am not a morning person.  

I am, in fact, a true night owl. If I can get past 9 p.m. I'm good to go until around 4 a.m. Then it only makes sense to sleep until 11 a.m. followed by a nap from 2-5 p.m. Such sleep habits are perfect for the jobless high school/college student, or even the unmarried high school English teacher on summer break I used to be, but they don't work so well, say, for a stay-at-home mom with a husband and a two year old. 

An Invitation from the Holy Spirit

After adjusting to the shock of being a first time mom and having an infant in the house, I began to feel like something wasn't right. Thinking it was simply lack of sleep (not understanding I was never going to sleep again), I dismissed the feeling. But the months rolled by, and the emptiness persisted. During worship one Sunday morning, as the pastor talked about the importance of daily interaction with the scriptures, I realized that I couldn't remember the last time I had opened my Bible outside of church.

I sat on my realization for several weeks more while the God-hole in my spirit continued to grow, until it was so big I confessed to a close friend my sin of neglecting God.

"Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."

John 8:32

Speaking the truth of my sin threw open the door to my soul, allowing the Holy Spirit to extend an invitation:

"Meet me early in the morning, before the sun comes up, while the world and your house is still asleep," whispered the Lord.

I responded, "Wait. . .what??? Meet you when???"

"Give me your firstfruits, Pam! Offer up your day to me before it starts and I will fill you," said God.  

Early in the Morning

Was God really asking me to do this? But I'm a night owl! He's instructing me to go against the grain of my own personality. Deep in my heart I knew I had to, but I didn't want to. At the same time, I was painfully aware that late night Bible study didn't work. Even though I was wide awake, I couldn't focus; the weight of the day rested heavily on me and my mind constantly wandered away from a heavenly gaze, back to my worldly cares. The more I begged him to show me another avenue, the more convicted I became that, for me, there were no other options. 

Early it is! Now let me make sure a hammer is on my night stand so I can smash that clock when the alarm goes off!

Looking for Proof

When my husband and I held our marriage retreat back in December, my top personal goal for 2016 was to be an early riser and spend time with God before my day got started. Still questioning whether or not this was the best way, I hopped on my favorite Bible website and did a key word search for 'early morning.' It would appear that the scriptures are veritably stuffed with examples of those who rose before the sun to conduct important business with and for God. 

Early in the morning:

• Abraham took Isaac to the mountain intending to sacrifice himas God had commanded
• Moses approached Pharaoh to plead for the release of God's people and to warn him of the coming plagues
• Joshua lead the Israelites across the Jordan River and into the Promised Land
• Job offered sacrifices to God on behalf of his children to cover their sins
• Mary Magdalene, Mary mother of James and Joanna went to the tomb with oils to care for Jesus' body

And the most compelling:

"Very early in the morning, while it was still dark,

 Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, 

where he prayed."

Mark 1:35

Twilight Time

It hasn't always been easy or fun, but it has been worth it to meet Jesus in the quiet of the darkness just before dawn. No noise in the street outside, my husband and son still deep in slumber, a hot cup of coffee and my Bible.  It is a precious time when I delve into the scriptures and bask in the glow of the God who invited me into this sweet fellowship. I confess that there are mornings when I doze off, and mornings when I hit snooze a few times before I can drag myself out from under the covers. There have also been a few days when I just couldn't do it; but by the end of those days I'm so thoroughly drained by life that I know I won't sleep through the next day's divine appointment. I'm still a night owl; I always will be. But there's something special about the morning.

"Satisfy us in the morning 

with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy 

and be glad all our days."

Psalm 90:14 

To Ponder

I'm reminded of the words of a favorite hymn, In The Garden:

I come to the garden alone

While the dew is still on the roses

And the voice I hear falling on my ear

The Son of God discloses 

And He walks with me, and He talks with me,

And He tells me I am His own;

And the joy we share as we tarry there,

None other has ever known.

• Do you rise early to meet with God?
• How are the morning hours with Him different from later in the day?
• If you have never given God the firstfruits of your day, I challenge you to do so.

I Saw God Today

"None so deaf as those that will not hear, none so blind as those that will not see."

Matthew Henry

A young woman is drowning in more than $30,000 in consumer debt because she was an easy target for credit card companies while she was in college.  No one warned her of the dangers of spending borrowed money.  In her late 20's she nearly lost her home, her car, and all her worldly possessions trying to figure out how to pay it back.  A biblical financial principals Bible study, several good friends with money sense, and ten shredded credit cards later she entered into a 10-15 year debt repayment plan.  Angry and depressed, but determined to get out of her financial shackles, she tithed (even when it meant she didn't know how she would pay the power bill) and put every extra penny she had toward shrinking the bottom line. Somehow, none of the bills ever went unpaid.  About three years in, checks started showing up in her mailbox - sometimes just random cashiers checks of various amounts with no identifying marks, sometimes she had overpaid an account, the rules of her student loan changed and she was refunded five years of payments.  From every lucky windfall she gave to God, gave to others, put some in savings and applied the rest to her outstanding debt.  Six years later (not the projected 10-15) she was debt free.

 She gave to God, gave to others...

An anonymous donor paid for the thirty-something woman to go on her first foreign mission trip. Overwhelmed with gratitude she boarded a plane for an experience that would alter the course of her life.  Arriving home from her trip she vowed that she would return the following year, though she had no idea how.  Money was tight and even the most frugal year wouldn't yield enough savings to pay for another trip.  In faith she stepped out on a limb and paid the next year's deposit, trusting God to provide the rest if it was in His will for her to return.  The deadline to pay the balance loomed and she was losing hope.  She wore out her knees praying, reminding God that He, Himself, had spoken to her, promising her she would go back. A few days later some friends invited her to dinner.  After an enjoyable meal and plenty of small talk, the couple handed her an envelope and said they wanted to help her with the cost of her trip.  The young woman was grateful for any amount, but knew she'd be giving the check back to them shortly because, without any other assistance, the trip would not be a reality that year.  Stepping into her front door she paused to open the envelope and, sliding the check out, fell to her knees. It was the exact amount she needed to cover the remaining cost of the trip. 

 She wore out her knees praying... 

A middle-aged woman wanted nothing more than to be married and have a family.  It was a longing that took root in her heart when she was a teenager.  She dreamed about her Knight in Shining Armor; the years rolled by, but he never came. Several Mr. Wrongs and one Mr. Very Wrong came and went, but the ache in her heart lingered.  She wrote in her journal, hot tears soaking the page and, in places, fading the fresh ink, that she was finished. She cried out to God asking why she was being punished (a rhetorical question because in her mind she knew that this was just retribution for the relationship sins of her past), and accepted her sentence of lifelong loneliness.  She made a list that day; a nit-picky, ridiculously detailed, and tauntingly specific list of her requirements in a man.  Almost challenging God, she declared that her track record proved that she was unfit to choose a man, so it was up to Him to provide; and the way she would know this man were he ever to show up is that every single one of her pre-requisites would be met.  Thirteen years later God would deliver, but not in any way she ever dreamed or imagined.  As she tried to distance herself from the man of God's choosing, she found the list, and in near disbelief she checked off the bullet points, one by one, until there were none left.  Her Knight had arrived.

She cried out to God...

Coincidence has been defined as "a remarkable concurrence of events or circumstances without apparent causal connection." It was just random timing that checks began to come in the mail and money rolled in unexpectedly cutting my debt repayment time in half. I had never mentioned to my friends the amount I needed to pay for my trip; they must have pulled a lucky number out of a hat (not unlike choosing lottery numbers) and beaten the odds.  The specific qualities and characteristics of a husband I penned more than a decade before the man would enter my life were general enough that they could apply to anyone. And in this manner, friends, family and strangers alike have all tried to explain away the miracles of my life.

Yes, those are my stories (just a few of them, there's plenty more where those came from). Huge coincidences?  I think not.  If you look closely, the events and circumstances of my life are not without a causal connection as the definition would suggest. I tithed, I wore out my knees praying, and I cried out to God - I gave God reason to respond to me.  But don't be too quick to praise me or give me too much credit, because I also did my fair share of blaming God for the messes I made.  What the causal connection reveals more than anything is His faithfulness and His good plan for my life.  Not a plan without pain, but one in which the cries of the believer in the midst of trials are heard.  Proof of miracles, not coincidences.
  

"Lord, you are my God;

I will exalt you and praise your name,

for in perfect faithfulness

you have done wonderful things,

things planned long ago."

Isaiah 25:1

Albert Einstein is credited with having said, "Coincidence is God's way of remaining anonymous."  I must beg to differ.  God leaves His fingerprints everywhere.  Ink-doused, fresh off the paper, totally and undeniably unique fingerprints.  If our fingerprints identify us, and no two prints have ever been found to be the same, not even identical twins, I think it's pretty safe to say that God is anything but anonymous. 

In contrast to Einstein's musings, I prefer the words of another great philosopher, George Strait.  In the lyrics of I Saw God Today the "King of Country" offers up a profound truth regarding the "King of Kings":

I've been to church
I've read the book
I know He's here, but I don't look
Near as often as I should
Yeah, I know I should
His fingerprints are everywhere
If I'd just slow down to stop and stare
Opened my eyes and man I swear
I saw God today

Where did you see God today?
Dust for His fingerprints; you'll find them - I promise!

Here One Minute, Gone The Next

Last Friday morning I was fumbling around the house trying to get Little Man and myself dressed so we could run some errands.  The phone rang, and as I paused to chat with a friend I noticed the first flurries. I figured it would only last a few minutes, then be over.  But the intensity increased and the flakes got bigger, and for the next two hours the biggest, fluffiest snow rained down torrentially until more than an inch covered the ground.  I chucked my plans for the morning, poured another cup of coffee, and situated myself onto the couch, perched in front of a window, wrapped in a blanket; Little Man grabbed Mickey Mouse and his sippy cup and positioned his chair directly in front of the storm door as if to have a front row seat - separately, yet together we enjoyed every second of mother nature's morning movie!

It was beautiful.  Soothing.  Peaceful.  

Less than two hours after the last flake fell, however, there was virtually no evidence that the white stuff had been there at all.  

It was gone.  Melted.  Dried. 

Since then I've been in a contemplative mood, thinking about how Friday's unexpected snow is really a picture of life.  Yes, we experience longer seasons (the elementary years, the teen years, the college years, the single years, the married years, the raising kids years, the empty nest years, the retirement years), but in the midst of those seasons, the moments of life happen:

• snuggling a sleeping baby
• breathtaking sunsets
• family game nights
• slumber parties
• laughing so hard you snort
• late night, deep conversations
• holding hands at the movies
• graduations
• weddings
• great vacations
• surprise drop-by visitors
• snow storms

Moments that we wish would last longer.  Times we wish we could recapture.  They might have lasted a few minutes, several days, a couple of months, or even years.  But they all have something in common - that feeling of being here one minute, and gone the next.

I'm not gonna lie - I was sad that the snow didn't hang around long enough for a back yard romp with a devilishly handsome two year old.  But maybe the gift wasn't the snow.  Maybe the gift was giving myself permission to quit with the plans and the busyness and be still long enough to enjoy the beauty of the moment before it was gone.

I guess I never pegged Dr. Seuss as a philosopher, but I do think he's onto something here. Whether it's a temporary, short-lived sadness or a deeper, more profound grief; both produce longing that is rooted in love.  Longing for more beautiful snowfalls or sunsets. Aching for more relationship like the connection forged while talking over cold pizza at 2 a.m.  Yearning for people and places whose time in your life has been fulfilled and they are no longer with you. These pinings of our souls are only possible because love is present in our lives in some shape, fashion or form.  And love comes from God.  That's reason enough to smile.

"God is love.  Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him...

We love because he first loved us."

I John 5:16,19

Clean Britches

My two year old has always liked the way I loudly and somewhat melodiously (not really), in my best attempt at being a baritone, sing the phrase "clean britches" to him while hauling him to the changing table to handle yet another "stinky-shooey."  He laughs and tries to imitate me.  Moments later, sporting an unsoiled diaper and the fresh scent of baby wipes, he bounds through the house with a little spring in his step.  Getting clean will do that for you.

At some other point in time I texted a friend.  I apologized for the time (some ridiculous hour before the sun came up), saying I had to send the message before I got sucked back into the world of diapers and dump trucks and totally forgot.  In her reply she chuckled and said that would be a great name for a blog.

And suddenly there it was, on a screen; confirmation of the nudging I'd been feeling in my spirit for months.  Writing has been part of who I am for as long as I can remember.  I knew as far back as fifth grade when I won the Lt. Governor's Award for writing that regardless of whether or not anyone ever read another word I wrote, there would never be a time in my life when I would not feel compelled to put pen to paper.  

After a few failed attempts at getting my writing noticed I spent many years writing only for myself or my students.  I became a blogger while I was a missionary serving in Iquitos, Peru because it was the easiest way to maintain communication with my supporters while also giving me time to hone my craft and begin to find my voice.  On my return trip to the U.S. I managed to contract a raging case of writer's block.  A mere six posts over the past three years, that's it.  Other than journaling that's all the writing I've done.

But God has been speaking to my heart now for longer than I would like to admit.  He's been calling me to write.  Not for me, but for Him.  I haven't been listening.  Well, I have, but I've been ignoring Him.  Fear has paralyzed me.  Fear of the rejection and stinging criticism of something so personal.  Yet each time I say I'm scared He replies, "It's not about you."  As only God operates, He initiated a string of events, a series of coincidences (i.e. random encounters with just the right people, particular Facebook posts or specific Tweets, a book, a free opportunity to hear 20 different leaders, writers, and speakers, etc.) to be the bonk on the forehead necessary to spur me to action.  I took notice.  I mean, there are only so many bonks you can endure before you get a headache!

Last night I listened to Glennon Doyle Melton, a highly sought after author and speaker among Christian women, talk about her fears, and the messiness and history of addiction that is her life, and her desire to be authentic.  Then midnight rolled around and Friday became Saturday - October 10 - a very important day in our family - my little boy's Adoption Day.  I sat on my couch in the 2 a.m. silence and prayed, my heart pounding so hard and loud I was scared it would wake everyone up, and said yes to God's call.  If He has gone to the trouble to orchestrate a thousand circumstances to get my attention, and caused them to simultaneously converge on the day we celebrate a major miracle in our lives, then the time has come for me to walk in obedience. 

To do this right means putting on some clean britches.  Renaming the old blog will not do.  It's time for the fresh scent of a new start.  And my friend was right, Diapers and Dump Trucks is a catchy title.  I like it.  But it's also symbolic.  You see, my life moves in a constant cycle: from a bright white unspoiled canvas, to a dirty mess, to cleaning up the mess (diapers), to hauling off the mess (dump trucks), to breaking out another blank slate and starting over again.  So here I am on a brand new blog, ready to see where God takes me.