What The Heart Wants - Part II

"Solitude"
My beautiful friend Meredith Evert in Malibu, California
Used With Permission

(This is the second of a three-part post written from the perspective of a 40+ year old woman who desires to be married, and for whom contentment in singleness is difficult. This post represents only one of many valid viewpoints on this topic. Click here to read Part I.)

"'Have you not read that he who created them 

from the beginning made them male and female, and said,

'Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother

and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh'?'"

Matthew 19:4-5 (ESV)

Being single when your heart wants to be married is difficult at best, devastating at worst. Each decade of singleness has its own distinct characteristics (Part I). Each decade also garners different reactions from family, friends, church family, co-workers, and even strangers. 

In your 20's people are likely to say:

• Do you have a boyfriend? 
• I know some great guys and would love to set you up.
• You're young and have your whole life ahead of you. Go have fun and when you're not even thinking about it Mr. Right will come along.
• Girl, you're too young to be tied down with children! There is plenty of time for that in your 30's.

Typical comments to a 30-something single:

• Are you dating anybody right now?
• Most women wait until their 30's to have kids these days anyway!
• Where are you going and what are you doing to meet the right kind of guys? Are you in a singles Sunday School class? 
• Have you thought about e-Harmony or Match.com? My cousin's best friend's sister met an awesome man online and they got married in less than six months.
• I bet your parents are thinking they will never have any grandchildren!

Words uttered to an unmarried woman in her 40's:

• I'm so sorry.
• The Bible says singleness is a gift. You should be honored God has chosen you for this gift!
• Statistically speaking, you have a greater chance of being hit by lightning and/or winning the lottery than you do of ever getting married.
• No words. Just a pity-filled stare.

However unintentional it may be, the message is pretty clear: you are less of a woman without a man. Your worth is diminished if you never marry or have children. You are to be pitied, especially if you are over 40, because your life will never really have meaning without the experience of marriage and family. 

Adding insult to injury, single women of all ages are apt to hear:

• Pray and ask God to reveal what is wrong with you. When you fix those issues God will bring you a husband.    
  Really? Are you kidding? Most of the married people we know (including the ones making that statement) are screwed up way worse than us, but we've gotta fix ourselves so men will want us?

• You have a strong personality and you're too independent. That's intimidating to men. If you could tone yourself down some, guys would flock to you.
  So we're supposed to alter our God-given personalities in order to attract men? When did confidence and healthy self-esteem stop being sexy? What about all of the strong, independent women we know who are married?

• A husband doesn't complete you; only God can do that. If you're empty now, you'll still be empty in marriage.
  Deep in our hearts we know you are right, but we don't want to hear that. Would you be able to say that as confidently if you weren't married?

• When you give up and quit looking, that's when the man of your dreams will find you.
  Do you have any idea how many times we have quit? How often we've begged and pleaded with God to please take the desire for marriage away if He never intends to fulfill it? How we've given up only to have the desire hit us again out of nowhere, leaving us feeling crushed and defeated all over again?

Then there's the taboo topic discussed only in whispers - SEX:

If you're in your 20's, your youthful hormones are raging, understandably, but you have the opportunity to die to self and honor God by practicing self-control. If you're in your 30's, your married friends discuss their sex lives openly. Assuming your self-control is still strong, you listen and learn and, of course, blush at the appropriate times. If you are currently making ungodly choices (and your friends know it) you still do not participate in the conversation. Outwardly everyone pretends you're handling abstinence well, while inwardly they judge you a little for your lack of purity. But they don't envy you and have no idea how they would handle themselves if they were in your shoes. If you're in your 40's, it's assumed that you don't really need or want physical intimacy. Besides, by this point many married women you know are busy figuring out how not to have sex and assume you understand that it's a necessary evil that you've been spared (a sad, but pervasive view of sex embraced by many older married women in the church who are passing this unhealthy, ungodly perspective on to single and young married women alike).

The Bottom Line

I'm certain that married people don't intend to make singleness more difficult. They're mostly unaware that they communicate to single women that we possess a tragic flaw rendering us essentially unattractive and unlovable. But we don't and we're not. 

From the woman's perspective of singleness last week, to the common platitudes we often hear from those wanting to help us this week, I hope you'll hang around for one more week as I wrap up what began as two-parts, but has grown into a three-part post ending in the most amazing love affair imaginable! 

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick,

but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life."

Proverbs 13:12 (ESV)

What The Heart Wants - Part I

"Solitude"
My beautiful friend Meredith Evert in Malibu, California
Used With Permission

(This is the first of a three-part post written from the perspective of a 40+ year old woman who desires to be married, and for whom contentment in singleness is difficult. This post represents only one of many valid viewpoints on this topic.)

"Then the Lord God said, 'It is not good

that the man should be alone; 

I will make him a helper fit for him.'"

Genesis 2:18 

For a woman whose heart yearns to be married, there is a huge difference between singleness in your 20's than in your 30's, but being unwed in your 40's takes on a whole new meaning. In no way am I implying that being single in your 20's isn't difficult. But it is different than dealing with the deep longing for marriage when you are older. 

Being unwed in your 40's takes on a whole new meaning!

Several single friends recently asked me about my feelings and experiences as someone whose desire for marriage was unfulfilled until I was in my 40's. I don't have any great wisdom, but their expertly camouflaged pain is so similar to what I felt that I thought it was time for me to write about it. From the heart of an older, single woman desiring marriage to those who seek to understand and minister to such women, and to those who desperately need to know you're not alone, here is a glimpse of the differences in the decades of singleness:

• 20's - You have finished high school/college and friends are beginning to pair off. Sparkly engagement rings and adorable photo sessions are the rule. You want the Cinderella story too and, every once in a while, the jealous twinges get to you. But there are lots of fun parties to attend, colorful bridesmaid dresses to buy, and wedding festivities to fill your social calendar. By the end of your 20's the initial frenzy is over and it has been a blast. As the big 3-0 approaches, you secretly admit to your closest friend that part of you has enjoyed the carefree lifestyle, but you don't say it too loud lest God think you're OK staying this way. You still socialize with your married friends, but they are being drawn like magnets to other young couples - not because they don't love you or desire your company anymore, but because they have moved into a new station in life and, unfortunately, it's one you don't understand. You feel like you're being left behind, so you cling to that handful of friends who are in your current life station. You pretend that you're fine with it, because desperation is not an attractive quality. 

You want the Cinderella story too and,
every once in a while, the jealous twinges get to you.

• 30's -  The wedding decade is over and you are genuinely happy for your friends, but each aisle walking occasion rubbed a little more salt in the proverbial wound. You observe your married friends, further defining what you want (or don't want) your marriage to look like. Meanwhile babies begin popping out everywhere and you become an "aunt." You adore your friends' kids and view your time with them as practice for yours (you still have hope that marriage and family are in the cards). Bitterness is biting at your heels, but you're fighting to keep it at bay (mainly by avoiding family gatherings and reunions). By your mid-30's you play math games with yourself - "Ok, if I meet someone this weekend, we can know we're in love within three months, get engaged at six months, be married within the year and, if we plan carefully, I can get pregnant on my honeymoon and have baby #1 before our first anniversary." The bar scene lost its appeal years ago, so you try online dating because several friends have had success with it. Forty is looming. Your heart breaks because this is not the way you pictured your life unfolding. You're angry with God (He could fix this if He wanted to, but He doesn't) so your relationship with Him, that is supposed to fill you and make you whole, suffers. 

Your heart breaks because this is not the way
you pictured your life unfolding.

• 40's - Over the past twenty years you've looked at all the engagement, wedding, honeymoon, ultrasound, weekly pregnancy, monthly newborn, kid birthday party and happy family photos you can stomach. The longing for the life you thought you would have has erupted into a grief so deep that it's palpable. You put on a happy face publicly, but privately the tears flow as you mourn. You miss God. You need God. But you blame God. How are you supposed to find comfort in Him when you feel like this is all His fault? Statistically speaking, it's now highly unlikely that you will ever marry. Your reality is that you must wrestle this out and, like Jacob, refuse to let go until God blesses you with the ability to be at peace and accept your singleness as a fact of life. The desire still burns, but it's time to stop licking your wounds. You renew your pursuit of God as the lover of your soul, imploring Him to give you a new purpose and the will to walk it out.

You miss God. You need God. But you blame God.

Not all single women struggle with their marital status. I did. And I know others who do. Many unmarried women are not able to embrace their singleness because it's not what the heart wants. Next week I will talk about the way families, friends, co-workers, strangers, and, yes, even the church both hinder and help single women arrive at the conclusion that their wholeness as humans and women has nothing to do with whether or not they wear wedding rings, but, instead, depends entirely on their identity as children of the King.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything

by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving

let your requests be made known to God. 

And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding,

will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Philippians 4:6-7

First Fruits: Meeting God Early

I am not a morning person.  

I am, in fact, a true night owl. If I can get past 9 p.m. I'm good to go until around 4 a.m. Then it only makes sense to sleep until 11 a.m. followed by a nap from 2-5 p.m. Such sleep habits are perfect for the jobless high school/college student, or even the unmarried high school English teacher on summer break I used to be, but they don't work so well, say, for a stay-at-home mom with a husband and a two year old. 

An Invitation from the Holy Spirit

After adjusting to the shock of being a first time mom and having an infant in the house, I began to feel like something wasn't right. Thinking it was simply lack of sleep (not understanding I was never going to sleep again), I dismissed the feeling. But the months rolled by, and the emptiness persisted. During worship one Sunday morning, as the pastor talked about the importance of daily interaction with the scriptures, I realized that I couldn't remember the last time I had opened my Bible outside of church.

I sat on my realization for several weeks more while the God-hole in my spirit continued to grow, until it was so big I confessed to a close friend my sin of neglecting God.

"Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."

John 8:32

Speaking the truth of my sin threw open the door to my soul, allowing the Holy Spirit to extend an invitation:

"Meet me early in the morning, before the sun comes up, while the world and your house is still asleep," whispered the Lord.

I responded, "Wait. . .what??? Meet you when???"

"Give me your firstfruits, Pam! Offer up your day to me before it starts and I will fill you," said God.  

Early in the Morning

Was God really asking me to do this? But I'm a night owl! He's instructing me to go against the grain of my own personality. Deep in my heart I knew I had to, but I didn't want to. At the same time, I was painfully aware that late night Bible study didn't work. Even though I was wide awake, I couldn't focus; the weight of the day rested heavily on me and my mind constantly wandered away from a heavenly gaze, back to my worldly cares. The more I begged him to show me another avenue, the more convicted I became that, for me, there were no other options. 

Early it is! Now let me make sure a hammer is on my night stand so I can smash that clock when the alarm goes off!

Looking for Proof

When my husband and I held our marriage retreat back in December, my top personal goal for 2016 was to be an early riser and spend time with God before my day got started. Still questioning whether or not this was the best way, I hopped on my favorite Bible website and did a key word search for 'early morning.' It would appear that the scriptures are veritably stuffed with examples of those who rose before the sun to conduct important business with and for God. 

Early in the morning:

• Abraham took Isaac to the mountain intending to sacrifice himas God had commanded
• Moses approached Pharaoh to plead for the release of God's people and to warn him of the coming plagues
• Joshua lead the Israelites across the Jordan River and into the Promised Land
• Job offered sacrifices to God on behalf of his children to cover their sins
• Mary Magdalene, Mary mother of James and Joanna went to the tomb with oils to care for Jesus' body

And the most compelling:

"Very early in the morning, while it was still dark,

 Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, 

where he prayed."

Mark 1:35

Twilight Time

It hasn't always been easy or fun, but it has been worth it to meet Jesus in the quiet of the darkness just before dawn. No noise in the street outside, my husband and son still deep in slumber, a hot cup of coffee and my Bible.  It is a precious time when I delve into the scriptures and bask in the glow of the God who invited me into this sweet fellowship. I confess that there are mornings when I doze off, and mornings when I hit snooze a few times before I can drag myself out from under the covers. There have also been a few days when I just couldn't do it; but by the end of those days I'm so thoroughly drained by life that I know I won't sleep through the next day's divine appointment. I'm still a night owl; I always will be. But there's something special about the morning.

"Satisfy us in the morning 

with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy 

and be glad all our days."

Psalm 90:14 

To Ponder

I'm reminded of the words of a favorite hymn, In The Garden:

I come to the garden alone

While the dew is still on the roses

And the voice I hear falling on my ear

The Son of God discloses 

And He walks with me, and He talks with me,

And He tells me I am His own;

And the joy we share as we tarry there,

None other has ever known.

• Do you rise early to meet with God?
• How are the morning hours with Him different from later in the day?
• If you have never given God the firstfruits of your day, I challenge you to do so.